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I hate massages.

No really, I do.  I know, that seems so wrong on a number of levels, especially given the fact that along with the hating massages, I also am not a fan of manicures, facials, or anything really having to do with a spa.  I tolerate pedicures mostly because, c'mon, it's a pain in the ass to cut your own toe nails and make them cute, but I don't enjoy them like some women do.  Even when I was pregnant, the only reason I got a pedicure was to get my toe nails cut by someone who wasn't my husband because Wee-rizzle sat so damn low I couldn't lean forward enough to even see my toes. Even then, with tired little tootsies, I didn't really enjoy it. 

Bottom line, it always seems so awkward to me.  Always.  I'm not a big small talker, in fact I'm awful at small talk, and I'm a fairly quiet person to begin with if I don't know you in some way.  I've been going to my hair stylist for 6 months now, and I just started talking to the guy rather than just sit there quietly. 

I always feel like the biggest bitch in the world sitting there working, answering emails, or playing a game on my phone while some poor woman is upkeeping my own personal hygiene for one of the most foul body parts on the human body--feet.  Or even if it's my hands, which are pretty nice, I feel weird.   And massages?  Yea, for some reason I can't seem to get into that relaxed state when the only thing that's separating entirely naked me from someone who is not my husband or a doctor is a thin sheet.  Call me crazy.  It's all I can focus on throughtout the entire thing and I keep waiting for that little sheet to slip and there are my tits, ass, or vag, or the entire trifecta, hanging out for some total stranger to see in all it's glory. 

Yes, I'm aware I have issues and I'm insane.

So why am I bringing all this up?  For Valentine's Day I'm surprising He-rizzle with a massage because I thnk he deserves one for all the hard work he's been doing remodeling our house.  Not just any massage.  A couples massage.  Not just any couples massage, a 90 minute Hot Poultice Thai Massage with a 30 minute soak in  a vitality herbal bath to recharge energy and balance body and mind--of course knowing my husband he'll try to get all frisky in the bath instead of relaxing.  Here's the description of the massage:

Drift away tensions while enjoying this unforgettable hot poultice massage. Authentic and unchanged since the 14th century, this amazing ritual incorporates one of our three indigenous organic herbal poultice blends for your specific needs (Samunprai- for Detoxification, Indigo-for Healing, or Kamatan-for Deep Relaxation). Acupressure is used to open all the energy channels, followed by massaging the deep medicinal heat of the poultice into the muscles to release tensions and revitalize your mind. then we seal all the energy of this treatments with a hands on oil massage. Take your body on a journey of total renewal.

Sounds lovely, right?  Sounds like heaven on a massage table, right?  Yup, does nothing for me.  I read it and go "huh" and then put on my He-rizzle hat and ask myself would he like it, to which the answer is "Oh hell yes!" and then I proceed with booking it  And it's not like I can just send him because then he feels all guilty and shitty about going and being pampered while I sit at home and conquer some task because I'm physically incapable of relaxing, and that's the one thing my husband wants me to do is relax.  Thus, I must partake as well because even after all these years He-rizzle still doesn't believe me when I say I hate massages and thinks I don't want to partake because I'd rather finish my to-do list than actually do something for myself, which is totally true, but massages really do nothing for me.

I will say, though, I'm beyond excited to sit in the relaxation room with some crappy tabloid fodder magazine and sit in total silence while He-rizzle goes into the sauna (yea, shocking, I hate those too!), and just be for 20 minutes. 

Now that?  That sounds like heaven.