Anathema

Words and actions.

Two simple little things, no?  Words are for communicating, actions are for doing.  Simple enough, isn't it?  You communicate, you do things, and that's how you go about interacting with and being apart of the world around you.

Rudimentary in all aspects.  Even my 9 month old child understands this concept, although only she understands what she's saying.

So why doesn't the fucking dolt I married seem to get this?  More importantly, how many more chances does the fucktwit get to prove to me he actually does want to be apart of this family?

I do not claim perfection, I do not claim saint-like tendencies, and I whole heartedly admit that my apathy towards what he did while I was doing things I wanted to do most likely paved the way, but it's not just me and him now.  There are not hours upon hours, and weekends, and nights to spread things around.  There is no more doing things at your leisure or when you feel like it, and even outside of that in what world does someone ask you to do something, you acknowledge and agree to undertake, and then still do it when you feel like it?

I understand.  Believe me, I do.  I've heard it from more than enough people that having a baby is hard on a marriage.  I've heard ad nauseum that when the child is born a woman becomes a mother whilst a father must learn.  I GET IT!  Heard it all before, but shit has just gotten to the point of beyond ridiculous.

No, seriously.  The man actually told me that leaving his wife and child was so very hard for him that he would rather just stay away.  Please, tell me how that makes sense?  Please, for the love of everything holy, tell me because from my lovely vantage point that is a full course of bullshit with a side of excuses drizzled with selfish.

And that's what he is.  Selfish.  Pure and simple.  At this current space in time, nothing is more important to that man than himself.  He will always come first.  Always.  He always has, and in a way I know I enabled it.  I know every single time I kept my mouth shut, or agreed, or let him do whatever, I played into his distinct and outright oblivion to anyone else.  He is the selfish fuck yin to my get-shit-done yang. 

Things never pissed me off like they do now and I know that's because we have a child.  Even still, I do everything. Everything.  From being the bread winner, to child care, to cooking, to cleaning, to paying the bills.  Everything.  You name it, I do it, with the exception of the manual labor at our new house.  The man couldn't even go through the mail he has accrued to let me know what bills where due so as to avoid late fees etc.  He didn't see the point so he didn't.  I mean it's that type of stupid little shit that has pushed me towards the proverbial ledge. It's his inability to see outside of himself that has our marriage in a noose, and the minute he put my sweet, precious, little girl's health at potential risk for his own convenience, he pushed the chair out and left us hanging.

His lack of words and tendendancy to only undertake for himself have, after all these years, finally shut a part of me off.

The part that wanted to work on this marriage.  The part that wants anything to do with him, honestly. 

And I don't know if it will ever turn on again.